I never want to forget ~Part 1~

I have so badly wanted to write everything down, but every time that I've set out to write it, it just didn't happen. But tonight, when the house is as quiet as can be, I grab my computer and get comfy on the couch. It seems like the perfect time to try and put the past month into words. I never, ever, want to forget. Isn't that weird that I want to remember such an excruciatingly painful, scary, and traumatic memory? Well, it's not the actual memory that I want to hold on to but the place my heart was in the very moment of all of it. In our right minds, we would never choose to walk through hard yucky, but oh, how these times bring us to a place of learning more about ourselves, others, and Jesus. John Piper said in one of his sermons that we don't go through hard times to make our faith stronger, but it's the faith that we had going into the hard times that has grown. Have you ever heard someone say, "You are going through this to test your faith or to only make you stronger"? What we forget is that our faith before life took a turn is also important. January 12,2017- It had been a long, normal day for me. Dinner was on the stove and the kids were loud and asking every 30 seconds if it was time to eat. I had not really felt good all day but I figured that I was overly tired and that I would go to bed early. I ran to the restroom and before I could even put my thoughts together I went into panic mode. The "dreaded moment" I had for 12 weeks now was here. NO! NO! NO! I was talking to myself as so many things ran through my head. NO! NO! Had I worked out too hard today? Do I call my midwife? I gathered myself together as I can do so very well and went back to preparing dinner. Gosh darn it, I can be so good at that. If I don't accept it, then maybe it isn't real. I was in there maybe 10 minutes and then it hit me. I went back into the bedroom trying to figure out what to do. Was there anything I could do? I have been through this before. I knew the answer. My precious 9 year-old daughter walked into the room totally oblivious of everything and very sweetly said, "Mom, when will you find out if you are having twins or not?" I could barely get the words out to respond to her because all I could think about was that at some point her daddy and I would have to tell her that there would not be a baby. Now that is what broke my heart. She was the only child that we had told and boy, was she thrilled! She walked around feeling so big because no other sibling knew our surprise yet. A few minutes went by and all of a sudden I found myself in the car driving. I remember telling the Lord out loud that I did NOT want to walk this road again but I knew that HE already knew what the next several hours looked like so I was ready to face it with HIM. Even if......You are still God. I kept saying that. Did I really really believe that? After sitting in the ER for hours I was able to get an ultrasound and I knew. It all was very familiar. The ultrasound tech knew, and even though she couldn't say, she knew I knew what she knew. So now the wait. I just had to wait.