More Face Time Less Busy Time

Today was loads of FUN!  We started out making some yummy goodies (per request of my oldest).  He loves to bake and pretty much will do anything in the kitchen.  I love having a baking partner, especially a very handsome one who seems to like everything I prepare.  As we spent a little while baking, the middle two siblings were playing together.  It was time to check in on them and I laughed at the sight of these two gubers.  

"Mom, look it's our house!."  They had pulled pretty much everything they could pick up or pull out of the garage and set up a home.  

Notice the T.V. and how each had their personal remote.  Don't forget the computers in their laps.  

Ummmm....WOW! It kinda stung a bit to see their thoughts of a home.  I mean is this what they see? Are they modeling what mommy and daddy do?

To be honest, we very rarely have electronics on in our home.  However, mommy usually has her phone close by and LOVES to research and learn about stuff.  To make myself feel better I will go ahead and say that it wouldn't be a problem to not use the phone, snap a photo and post, or surf the net all day, ok maybe it would be a challenge. ;)

I'm not saying that any of this is bad or that I want to throw it all out.  But I do want my children and husband to know that THEY are my priority.  My children should not grow up thinking that it's ok to have a conversation with someone with no eye contact.  So many times I am "busy" doing whatever it may be and I find myself having full conversations with my family without looking at them at all.  

My prayer for today and to follow is to have more face time.  Face time, meaning looking at their face and paying attention to ONLY them at that moment, doing nothing else.  If that sounds crazy to you, maybe you don't struggle with this and that is awesome! 

I also understand that these babies are young and they may have been simply created a "fun" home with things they LOVE.  But it was good to take a step back and reevaluate some things that I am doing during the day.  Thank God for the grace he never ceases to give. 

"And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace." John 1:16

Unexpected Heartache - What Is Healing? (week 2)

The physical pain is completely gone. 

The hardest part begins.  

The healing of my heart that has a wound so deep that I feel incomplete.  Two weeks ago, we lost our precious baby and it felt like a part of me left that day, too.  

What is healing? How do we heal? How Does God heal us?

"You are fine, just get up and rub it, you are fine!".  These are the words I repeated to my 6 year old today.  She had fallen and scraped her knee while playing (this is a very common event in our day).

Last night my little boy smashed his finger in the car door.  When he told me, I held him and started to tear up because I hated to see his pain.  I sat with him a few minutes and I just rubbed his "hurt" as we sat together.  

Walking through hard times can be a lot like either of these scenarios.  Whether it is physical pain, loss of a loved one, a broken relationship, disease, or any situation that leaves one broken hearted.  

As a child I learned how to cope with life.  "You are fine, just get back up, you are fine."  When I faced hard times, felt pain, experienced rejection, and waded through the nasty yuck I would "just be fine" and that was that.   Jennifer's way of dealing with stuff was walking around with a smile and making the world think she was ok....but the truth was she was an absolute mess inside and no one would ever even sense it.  Or that was how I thought it would be.  Well, after years and years of living the lie of "being fine," God brought me to a place where I realized how unhealthy I was.  I was so very exhausted from making everyone think I "was just fine."  In fact, I had myself convinced that I really was fine. The past 6 years have been a true testimony of how God can change the hearts of his children.  

When I first heard the news that I may be miscarrying, I remember thinking "ok, Jennifer, lets get past today and then you will be fine".  What?!!  Looking back I can not believe how easily I jumped back into my old self and those nasty lies.  When I realized that I was losing the baby, I remember that moment of "fight or flight" (this term is actually used in dealing with the body and it responds to anything that interrupts the natural state of homeostasis). Truly, in that moment of disbelief it was almost like I automatically wanted to jump back into the exhausting lies.  But thank God I recognized and chose to say "no, I will NOT walk through this like that!"  More than anything I want to heal and grow closer to completely trusting and depending on Christ.  Some of the past 14 days have been good, some ok, and some just hard. 

Some days I need to sit and be held by sweet Jesus.  I imagine Him rubbing my "hurt" and crying with me just as a mother does with her child when he gets hurt. 

Now, I know that the hard days will become fewer as healing continues.  Time will not heal the wound because time does not have healing powers.  As I lean more into Jesus, he will heal.  He has the power to heal, amen! 

What is healing? 

I believe healing looks different for everyone, but drawing close to Jesus during the hurt and when the wound is bleeding is an incredible way to begin.

Psalm 30:2

Oh Lord, my God, I have cried to you and you healed me.

Psalm 107:20

He sends forth his word and heals them and rescues them from the pit and destruction.

"Walking through an unexpected heartache" Psalm 34:18 (week 1)

We had known for 5 weeks.

That is a lot of nauseated mornings, pickle juice drinking, late night cravings (where your sweet husband makes a quick trip), and many conversations with the kids of what "J" name we think will be perfect for this baby! Some days would be so full that I would go a few hours before I remembered that I was pregnant. Some days I spent lots of time thanking God for this precious miracle and dreamt what life would look like this fall with a new baby.

We told most of our family and friends about the exciting news and started planning our lives around the arrival of this precious one. Our 10 year anniversary is around the corner and we wanted to plan a special getaway, but we needed to be sensitive to travel and timing. 

Tuesday morning started out like every other day. I felt a little "off" and thought maybe I needed to rest a bit more. I called the doctor to get an appointment. Mainly to make sure everything was okay with baby and I could have peace of mind.

Wednesday afternoon was here and I was in the room watching the tech prep for my first ultrasound. I was excited! I was anxious to find out how big the baby was. I sat there staring at the screen, and then my heart began to break. The tech says "I want to remind you that I can not say anything, if there are any concerns the doctor will talk to you when she comes to your room."

Could she read my face? Maybe she knew all of the questions I began to think. Or how the next few moments would change me forever. My first thought was Lord, you already know what is going on and I ask that you will give me the strength to respond to whatever news I am told today. 

I walked to the next room to wait. 

I waited.....and waited..... I began to prepare myself (if there is any way to prepare a heart to grieve) for what I was going to walk through.  

She walked in and sat down. Her tone sounded positive, her face looked positive, and as kind as she was I could sense difficulty as she began.  She started talking and I don't even remember what she was saying because I just remember my heart shaking in my chest and the tears started rolling down my cheeks. My world seemed to close in and I fought hard to breathe through each moment. She is still talking, I can tell she is trying to ask questions to get me to focus on other things. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to answer her questions about anything. I was trying to process what she had just told me. My heart begin to ache in a way that it never had before. But I wiped the tears, tried to be hopeful of the chance that the problem was as simple as miscalculating the age of the baby. 

I got into the car, drove home, and in that short twenty minutes I had convinced myself that I had miscalculated and the baby was younger than I thought and I would wake up tomorrow and life would go back to the way it was this morning when I awoke. My prayer was really a heart cry at this point, "God I know you already have this but will you carry me through whatever happens? I mean, I am pretty sure everything is ok, but in case it is not I do trust you with all that is in me, I do." 

Just a few short hours later..... reality hit, the pain came (oh boy, was the pain horrible). The days were long, excruciating, hard. Life is still moving all around, but I feel like I have been frozen in these moments. Is it real? What just happened within the past few days? 

Some moments are ok, but then other moments the overwhelming sadness takes over and it seems almost impossible to walk through. I don't really say much. I ask God to put His truth in my heart and mind. "God, I know your truth and I trust you no matter how yucky it gets. Jesus, you are my peace, You alone are my hope. I don't know how to grieve healthy. I don't know how to walk through such incredible unexpected heartache, Lord, but I fall back into Your arms as you carry me and reveal yourself to me along the journey."

  

"The Lord is near the broken hearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit." -Psalm 34:18