"Walking through an unexpected heartache" Psalm 34:18 (week 1)

We had known for 5 weeks.

That is a lot of nauseated mornings, pickle juice drinking, late night cravings (where your sweet husband makes a quick trip), and many conversations with the kids of what "J" name we think will be perfect for this baby! Some days would be so full that I would go a few hours before I remembered that I was pregnant. Some days I spent lots of time thanking God for this precious miracle and dreamt what life would look like this fall with a new baby.

We told most of our family and friends about the exciting news and started planning our lives around the arrival of this precious one. Our 10 year anniversary is around the corner and we wanted to plan a special getaway, but we needed to be sensitive to travel and timing. 

Tuesday morning started out like every other day. I felt a little "off" and thought maybe I needed to rest a bit more. I called the doctor to get an appointment. Mainly to make sure everything was okay with baby and I could have peace of mind.

Wednesday afternoon was here and I was in the room watching the tech prep for my first ultrasound. I was excited! I was anxious to find out how big the baby was. I sat there staring at the screen, and then my heart began to break. The tech says "I want to remind you that I can not say anything, if there are any concerns the doctor will talk to you when she comes to your room."

Could she read my face? Maybe she knew all of the questions I began to think. Or how the next few moments would change me forever. My first thought was Lord, you already know what is going on and I ask that you will give me the strength to respond to whatever news I am told today. 

I walked to the next room to wait. 

I waited.....and waited..... I began to prepare myself (if there is any way to prepare a heart to grieve) for what I was going to walk through.  

She walked in and sat down. Her tone sounded positive, her face looked positive, and as kind as she was I could sense difficulty as she began.  She started talking and I don't even remember what she was saying because I just remember my heart shaking in my chest and the tears started rolling down my cheeks. My world seemed to close in and I fought hard to breathe through each moment. She is still talking, I can tell she is trying to ask questions to get me to focus on other things. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to answer her questions about anything. I was trying to process what she had just told me. My heart begin to ache in a way that it never had before. But I wiped the tears, tried to be hopeful of the chance that the problem was as simple as miscalculating the age of the baby. 

I got into the car, drove home, and in that short twenty minutes I had convinced myself that I had miscalculated and the baby was younger than I thought and I would wake up tomorrow and life would go back to the way it was this morning when I awoke. My prayer was really a heart cry at this point, "God I know you already have this but will you carry me through whatever happens? I mean, I am pretty sure everything is ok, but in case it is not I do trust you with all that is in me, I do." 

Just a few short hours later..... reality hit, the pain came (oh boy, was the pain horrible). The days were long, excruciating, hard. Life is still moving all around, but I feel like I have been frozen in these moments. Is it real? What just happened within the past few days? 

Some moments are ok, but then other moments the overwhelming sadness takes over and it seems almost impossible to walk through. I don't really say much. I ask God to put His truth in my heart and mind. "God, I know your truth and I trust you no matter how yucky it gets. Jesus, you are my peace, You alone are my hope. I don't know how to grieve healthy. I don't know how to walk through such incredible unexpected heartache, Lord, but I fall back into Your arms as you carry me and reveal yourself to me along the journey."

  

"The Lord is near the broken hearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit." -Psalm 34:18